A Peek Inside (Part 10)
Welcome to part 10 of "A Peek Inside."
This has been a fun series, offering some levity to coaching as well as getting into some more personal things like the self care post.
This will be another one of the more intimate looks, and deal with self doubt. What is it (for me), where does it come from, how do I handle it, how do I address it, and some other insights.
"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt"
- "Measure for Measure
What is my self doubt/where does it come from?
My self doubt stems from lacking the pedigree, but let's step back a moment here and address the self doubt as it is. I've only once encountered a coach who doubted my ability. They were a verbally, psychologically abusive person, impossible to work with and I endured eight months before finally calling a spade a spade and walking out. They created and fed an environment that was chaotic by design, and toxic to anyone involved with the program. Generally, all the coaches I have had the privilege to work with have been supportive, caring, and willing to share responsibilities. They encourage and teach, and heap praise on those around them, myself included, without it being meaningless.
So where does the self doubt come from. A few places. The lack of the Division One pedigree. The lack of national team or championship race exposure as an athlete. Good friends who've accomplished much in their careers as athletes and coaches. A lack of results.
Mind you, this self doubt is of my own creation. Again, save one person, I've been well supported by most coaches, and by all of my friends. I have not encountered a single person who has viewed my personal path and background and snubbed me for it.
How do I handle it?
When I exited my competitive athlete career and entered into coaching, I was under the impression that everyone rowed the same way. I called it the "Willamette Way," simply because I came from Willamette University and it was the way we rowed. It took all of a week coaching at PRC with Ted to learn that there were a myriad of ways to row. There were many different stroke techniques, different beliefs in how to train athletes, how much specific level training you should do, etc.
Entering this world, albeit given a tremendous boost from working with a 2x Olympian/Silver medalist in Ted, was stepping through the looking glass. I went from eating tuna from a can to eating Otoro. Mind blowing.
I knew that I was in for a ride, and so I made the wise decision to shut up and listen and learn - I was scared to death the day Ted asked me for my opinion - because everyone around me knew more than I did.
So I handle my self doubt by learning. I listen to everyone around me because all coaches have opinions. I viewed everyone as someone who could teach me something. I decided right off that I would make notes of it, even if I didn't like it or wasn't sure about it, and to come back to it as I gathered more experience. My favorite times are when I'm sitting with coaches, a beer in hand, and just listening to them banter back and forth. The self doubt would still exist, but by learning, and then applying what I'd learned, I could develop confidence in results and build confidence in ability.
How do I address it?
I view this as how do I handle myself in public, with other coaches, or when talking to younger coaches/mentoring roles. I find that being up front and honest about it, reasonably, keeps you in good light. The thing that I learned from some of the coaches I respect the most is that they are still learning. There are coaches out there who they believe school them. I think most coaches would look at Coach Gladstone at Yale and marvel at how he does things, and how he's been successful at multiple programs across multiple decades.
The best coaches I've been around have told me that they still feel like they are learning. They talk with a confidence bred from results and time in the sport, but with a tone that says, "I know some shit, but I don't know all of it." There is sincerity in how they speak about what they do.
So I have endeavoured to do the same when I talk. I am sure about how I want to coach, how I want the stroke to be taught, what the mechanics of a successful stroke are, what I like, and what I don't like. But with that comes the acknowledgement that many roads lead to Rome, and that other coaches are equally if not better in their application or techniques.
And I go back to my first thoughts when confronting this self doubt: Learning. I am still learning. Comparatively, I am still young to other coaches in terms of experience. I have 16 years of experience, nearly two decades, yet that pales in comparison to other coaches. I am at the point where I can start giving back, but I remind everyone that in order to be the best you can be, you need to remain humble, and learn.
Taking the long approach or boiling the frog.
One of the ways I address my self doubt is to look at where I started, where I've been, and how far I've come along this path. And the best way that I've found to do that is to be ok with the successes that I've had.
I view self doubt as a slide scale tipped too far into the wrong direction. A compliment is a eyedropper in an Olympic sized swimming pool. Anything negative is an entire Olympic sized swimming pool. That's been a difficult thing to combat.
What I have done, thanks to some advice from good coaching friends, is to be ok with what I've done. I spent a few days with a coaching friend who reminded me that the crews I've coached have accomplished quite a bit. That's been a bit of a change for me philosophically. I'm human, and I'm highly competitive so I do enjoy the victories, and lament the defeats, but I don't necessarily show the fruits of the labor the athletes put in. One of the things that my friend recommended I change is that I start to put some of the things out, specifically the NCAA trophy. His reasoning is that it's not bragging - as long as it doesn't go to your head - but that it's recognition of what went into the season. It's recognition of the athletes, and what they accomplished, and to not view it as patting yourself on the back. He did also recommend that a pat on the back isn't the worst thing either. It's a way to eliminate the self doubt because you're acknowledging your work that went into the season as well.
The excellent college baseball coach, Augie Garrido once said that fear is the demon, and the warrior is confidence. Confidence is faster, but not as strong and it has to fight like hell against fear. Confidence is fleeting, while fear hangs on. I'm paraphrasing what he said, but that's the general idea.
It is easy for someone to come through like whirlwind and disrupt me. The eight months I spent working with that individual left me feeling run down, overwhelmed, and generally lost. Despite the years in the sport, especially compared to them, the everyday onslaught of negativity, put downs, sarcasm, or dismissive nature built up. When combined with extreme micromanaging where any step forward on your own is swifty met with harsh rebuke and immediately shut down, and the inconsistency in messaging wondering why you're not able to be a self starter, you, or at least I begin to shut down. I can take the negative, I can take the difficult challenges. I don't view shutting down as an inability to handle the situation, but a lack of desire to. When I knew that I would be belittled regardless of what I did, or didn't do, I decided to simply exist until I decided to leave.
I believe many coaches, many of my friends would be able to handle that situation better than I did, choosing to leave earlier, and the behavior wouldn't have had the same impact on them. But it took me four or five months to shake that off and get back into the swing of things.
Conclusion, thus far.
The first coaching clinic I attended was in Seattle. I cannot recall the presenters, but one statement stuck with me:
"The more you learn, the less you know."
I found that statement to be odd the first time I heard it, but now I understand what the presenter was trying to get across. I know that my own self doubt is something that I will continue to deal with throughout my career. It's easy to look at what other coaches are doing and get stuck in a comparison mode. I didn't accomplish this, they did that, their boats are this speed, etc. It's a cycle of negativity that drags you down.
If you allow it.
I know who I am as a coach. I know what my philosophies are, I know what is important to me, and why I coach. One of the career/life changing developments for me in grad school, and what I titled my "thesis" was to stop paying attention to the results. Stop fixating on the area of coaching that has the most uncontrollable variables. Instead focus on the process. Focus on moving down the path. Don't try and eat the whale all at once, but instead bite by bite.
Again, self doubt will stick with me. I believe it keeps me centered, not too high on what I've done, and the confidence to push back to not allow me to get too low.
I suppose the best way to handle it is to paraphrase what Robert De Niro's character in the movie, "Backdraft" said to William Baldwin: "The only way to truly kill it is to love it a little."
Stay safe out there.
This has been a fun series, offering some levity to coaching as well as getting into some more personal things like the self care post.
This will be another one of the more intimate looks, and deal with self doubt. What is it (for me), where does it come from, how do I handle it, how do I address it, and some other insights.
"Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt"
- "Measure for Measure
What is my self doubt/where does it come from?
My self doubt stems from lacking the pedigree, but let's step back a moment here and address the self doubt as it is. I've only once encountered a coach who doubted my ability. They were a verbally, psychologically abusive person, impossible to work with and I endured eight months before finally calling a spade a spade and walking out. They created and fed an environment that was chaotic by design, and toxic to anyone involved with the program. Generally, all the coaches I have had the privilege to work with have been supportive, caring, and willing to share responsibilities. They encourage and teach, and heap praise on those around them, myself included, without it being meaningless.
So where does the self doubt come from. A few places. The lack of the Division One pedigree. The lack of national team or championship race exposure as an athlete. Good friends who've accomplished much in their careers as athletes and coaches. A lack of results.
Mind you, this self doubt is of my own creation. Again, save one person, I've been well supported by most coaches, and by all of my friends. I have not encountered a single person who has viewed my personal path and background and snubbed me for it.
How do I handle it?
When I exited my competitive athlete career and entered into coaching, I was under the impression that everyone rowed the same way. I called it the "Willamette Way," simply because I came from Willamette University and it was the way we rowed. It took all of a week coaching at PRC with Ted to learn that there were a myriad of ways to row. There were many different stroke techniques, different beliefs in how to train athletes, how much specific level training you should do, etc.
Entering this world, albeit given a tremendous boost from working with a 2x Olympian/Silver medalist in Ted, was stepping through the looking glass. I went from eating tuna from a can to eating Otoro. Mind blowing.
I knew that I was in for a ride, and so I made the wise decision to shut up and listen and learn - I was scared to death the day Ted asked me for my opinion - because everyone around me knew more than I did.
So I handle my self doubt by learning. I listen to everyone around me because all coaches have opinions. I viewed everyone as someone who could teach me something. I decided right off that I would make notes of it, even if I didn't like it or wasn't sure about it, and to come back to it as I gathered more experience. My favorite times are when I'm sitting with coaches, a beer in hand, and just listening to them banter back and forth. The self doubt would still exist, but by learning, and then applying what I'd learned, I could develop confidence in results and build confidence in ability.
How do I address it?
I view this as how do I handle myself in public, with other coaches, or when talking to younger coaches/mentoring roles. I find that being up front and honest about it, reasonably, keeps you in good light. The thing that I learned from some of the coaches I respect the most is that they are still learning. There are coaches out there who they believe school them. I think most coaches would look at Coach Gladstone at Yale and marvel at how he does things, and how he's been successful at multiple programs across multiple decades.
The best coaches I've been around have told me that they still feel like they are learning. They talk with a confidence bred from results and time in the sport, but with a tone that says, "I know some shit, but I don't know all of it." There is sincerity in how they speak about what they do.
So I have endeavoured to do the same when I talk. I am sure about how I want to coach, how I want the stroke to be taught, what the mechanics of a successful stroke are, what I like, and what I don't like. But with that comes the acknowledgement that many roads lead to Rome, and that other coaches are equally if not better in their application or techniques.
And I go back to my first thoughts when confronting this self doubt: Learning. I am still learning. Comparatively, I am still young to other coaches in terms of experience. I have 16 years of experience, nearly two decades, yet that pales in comparison to other coaches. I am at the point where I can start giving back, but I remind everyone that in order to be the best you can be, you need to remain humble, and learn.
Taking the long approach or boiling the frog.
One of the ways I address my self doubt is to look at where I started, where I've been, and how far I've come along this path. And the best way that I've found to do that is to be ok with the successes that I've had.
I view self doubt as a slide scale tipped too far into the wrong direction. A compliment is a eyedropper in an Olympic sized swimming pool. Anything negative is an entire Olympic sized swimming pool. That's been a difficult thing to combat.
What I have done, thanks to some advice from good coaching friends, is to be ok with what I've done. I spent a few days with a coaching friend who reminded me that the crews I've coached have accomplished quite a bit. That's been a bit of a change for me philosophically. I'm human, and I'm highly competitive so I do enjoy the victories, and lament the defeats, but I don't necessarily show the fruits of the labor the athletes put in. One of the things that my friend recommended I change is that I start to put some of the things out, specifically the NCAA trophy. His reasoning is that it's not bragging - as long as it doesn't go to your head - but that it's recognition of what went into the season. It's recognition of the athletes, and what they accomplished, and to not view it as patting yourself on the back. He did also recommend that a pat on the back isn't the worst thing either. It's a way to eliminate the self doubt because you're acknowledging your work that went into the season as well.
The excellent college baseball coach, Augie Garrido once said that fear is the demon, and the warrior is confidence. Confidence is faster, but not as strong and it has to fight like hell against fear. Confidence is fleeting, while fear hangs on. I'm paraphrasing what he said, but that's the general idea.
It is easy for someone to come through like whirlwind and disrupt me. The eight months I spent working with that individual left me feeling run down, overwhelmed, and generally lost. Despite the years in the sport, especially compared to them, the everyday onslaught of negativity, put downs, sarcasm, or dismissive nature built up. When combined with extreme micromanaging where any step forward on your own is swifty met with harsh rebuke and immediately shut down, and the inconsistency in messaging wondering why you're not able to be a self starter, you, or at least I begin to shut down. I can take the negative, I can take the difficult challenges. I don't view shutting down as an inability to handle the situation, but a lack of desire to. When I knew that I would be belittled regardless of what I did, or didn't do, I decided to simply exist until I decided to leave.
I believe many coaches, many of my friends would be able to handle that situation better than I did, choosing to leave earlier, and the behavior wouldn't have had the same impact on them. But it took me four or five months to shake that off and get back into the swing of things.
Conclusion, thus far.
The first coaching clinic I attended was in Seattle. I cannot recall the presenters, but one statement stuck with me:
"The more you learn, the less you know."
I found that statement to be odd the first time I heard it, but now I understand what the presenter was trying to get across. I know that my own self doubt is something that I will continue to deal with throughout my career. It's easy to look at what other coaches are doing and get stuck in a comparison mode. I didn't accomplish this, they did that, their boats are this speed, etc. It's a cycle of negativity that drags you down.
If you allow it.
I know who I am as a coach. I know what my philosophies are, I know what is important to me, and why I coach. One of the career/life changing developments for me in grad school, and what I titled my "thesis" was to stop paying attention to the results. Stop fixating on the area of coaching that has the most uncontrollable variables. Instead focus on the process. Focus on moving down the path. Don't try and eat the whale all at once, but instead bite by bite.
Again, self doubt will stick with me. I believe it keeps me centered, not too high on what I've done, and the confidence to push back to not allow me to get too low.
I suppose the best way to handle it is to paraphrase what Robert De Niro's character in the movie, "Backdraft" said to William Baldwin: "The only way to truly kill it is to love it a little."
Stay safe out there.
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