Are we there yet?

I love sports.  All sports.  I especially love sports that I've yet to come to understand like cricket.  I follow sports on television and online though I no longer play any fantasy leagues since the NCAA frowns upon them.  I don't miss the fantasy leagues, but I do miss the March Madness brackets.  

I haven't been an athlete my entire life, but I have been involved in competitive sports for a good portion of it.  I played soccer, ran track, eventually rowed and obviously now I'm a coach and have been coaching since I decided I didn't want to be an engineer in 2004.  

I would go as far as to classify myself as a jock in high school and I even had a letterman's jacket - I was tempted to go old school and get a sweater like some of my friends did and be hipster before anyone knew what being a hipster would mean. 

As much as I love sports I have had my days where I question what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and whether or not there are better things that I could be doing with my time.  

A few choice practices come to mind.  Running hills in the rain in soccer, beach soccer, Brazilian runs.  5am practices in college especially after a campus wide fire drill, foggy mornings, and of course all the spring regattas when we'd be away on an epic party weekend, or when we'd be in Sacramento for Spring Break while the rest of my friends were off in Canada, Mexico, the UK or otherwise not in Sacramento. 

I believe all athletes go through this.  And coaches do the same.  

I can't tell you the number of times I've pulled myself from a warm bed at 3am and stared at weather report on my phone while brewing a cup of tea.  Oh good.  37 and rain.  Wonderful, 25 with icy roads.  Fantastic, 43 but strong winds building to 25 mph by 7.  

It's the rainy days that get to me the most, especially when we have double practice.  Those are the days I feel that I've finally dried all of my clothing from the morning practice in time to pull it on and head back into the rain for the afternoon.  I don't know what it's like to have kids but I can tell you that the washing machine runs three times a week in the spring in my house.  

All this to say that even as someone who loves their career and loves sports, there are times that I wonder if there isn't something better I could be doing or should be doing.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that the trade off for rainy winter practices are the warm spring afternoons when I'm facing into the sun.  

Eventually we do reach a crossroads.  I hit my first in 2016 while sitting in my hotel room in Louisville.  I realized that I'd been coaching for 11 months.  August 15, 2015 to July 18, 2016.  I was finishing my first national team experience and as much fun as it had been, I quickly realized why many coaches spend a year or three in the system and then call it quits.  

And now I'm at another crossroad.  I have a position lined up this fall.  Division One men.  It's a great program, and it could be a lot of fun.  I also have an interview lined up for Thursday for another Division One program only with women.  

But I'm also coming to the point where I'm not sure that I want to continue coaching.  I've had fun.  I've had good moments, and less than ideal moments.  I began my career wanting individual glory and have grown to realize that the greatest moments in coaching don't involve medals or trophies.  The best thing that someone can say to and about a coach is that they've had a positive impact on the lives of their athletes.  Certainly the pictures and memories I have mean more to me than any title.  

I've spent the last two years wondering if I'm reaching my end, and what that could mean and might look like.  I have no regrets in my career, but I do have some stones left unturned.  It's been a soul searching summer as I've tried to come to some consensus on what those mean.  Is never taking a boat to the Royal Henley Regatta going to be one of those things that causes me to wake up one night in a cold sweat?  I still want to coach a boat at the World Championships.  I'd like to work with a Dev Camp or HP Camp again.  I'd like another run at NCAAs or youth nationals or both.  But are those dreams and desires enough to keep me in the deep end?  

I've spent the last month reflecting on my career, and here is where I am counting up the victories and tangible proof of a career:  Medals and titles.  

The pros and cons are a point that I might reach eventually, but haven't gotten to yet.  I'm not sure it's time to weigh either side and consider retiring though that thought has crossed my mind.  

I'm committed to coaching for the 2018-2019 season.  But what the future may hold?  We'll cross that bridge next May.