Interesting
One of my rules in life is, "I will not save you." I adopted this rule because of a fault of mine: I care too much, and believe I can fix everything.
I cannot tell you the number of times I've been burned by that. What's the saying about the road to hell and intentions?
I use this rule in coaching when it comes to other coaching friends. I offer my advice, I'll tell you what I think, but I am not going to wade into a fight for you to prevent you from doing something that you've clearly set your mind to.
I also have a 24-hour cooling off period rule where unless safety is involved, I like to try and take 24-hours to think about a decision before making it. I want to try and remove the emotion of the moment from the decision making process. It usually works, but there are times that it's too difficult to remove all of the emotion, or the decision making process brings the emotions back to the surface.
This is where things sit right now with a friend of mine. I don't want to dive too deeply into the situation, but they have been dealing with a rather...shitty situation over the past year - there's not a delicate way to put it - and I believe the situation is getting the best of them.
Everything seemed to be fine, and that they'd come to some sort of peace with what had happened to them - in short, they were fired from a program because someone felt threatened by their years of experience, and felt that my friend was going to usurp their job (not possible). I thought they'd moved on from the situation, but it came roaring back last weekend, and now they are writing a letter that I don't believe they should write or send.
And here come the rules: Cooling off, and not being a hero.
I don't believe there is anything to gain from sending this letter, but I do believe there is much my friend can lose.
I'm an emotional person. It would surprise many people I've worked with that I am. I've worked very hard over the years to control those emotions - hence the rules I've put in place - and there are times I can tell that the walls are crumbling, and the best thing to do is walk away. I mention this because I know what this friend went through, I completely empathize with how they feel, but I don't condone the course of action they are taking.
In graduate school, we talked about picking our fights. There are going to be fights that we feel that we want to have, but when we stop and consider the whole situation, it may not be a fight we want to get in. There may not be anything to gain. There may be much that we are going to lose.
I have expressed my opinion to my friend. Writing this letter, or ten letters will change nothing. It will not have the impact that they are hoping for. The program, and the individuals will not change their mind about what they did. I have found that insecure individuals tend to remain insecure, and they like to insulate themselves from change. My friend will not receive an apology for their firing. They will never get the individuals to admit that it was a personal, and short sighted decision that has cost them dearly this season - 3/4 of the program has quit or determined they will not return for the 2017-2018 season.
It is a fight that my friend will not win. They won't even reach a draw. It's a lose lose situation, and worse, it keeps the wounds fresh, and real.
We all have had our share of what we feel are injustices against us, some real, some imagined, some a mix of both. We can either allow those feelings to control us, and taint us going forward, or not allow us to move forward. Or, we can recognize that we aren't, "losing," by moving on and making peace with the outcome we have no control over. We are acknowledging that things happened, there is nothing we can do about it, but we are not going to allow it to have an impact on our life from that point on. It becomes an isolated event that cannot leak into the rest of our life.
I cannot tell you the number of times I've been burned by that. What's the saying about the road to hell and intentions?
I use this rule in coaching when it comes to other coaching friends. I offer my advice, I'll tell you what I think, but I am not going to wade into a fight for you to prevent you from doing something that you've clearly set your mind to.
I also have a 24-hour cooling off period rule where unless safety is involved, I like to try and take 24-hours to think about a decision before making it. I want to try and remove the emotion of the moment from the decision making process. It usually works, but there are times that it's too difficult to remove all of the emotion, or the decision making process brings the emotions back to the surface.
This is where things sit right now with a friend of mine. I don't want to dive too deeply into the situation, but they have been dealing with a rather...shitty situation over the past year - there's not a delicate way to put it - and I believe the situation is getting the best of them.
Everything seemed to be fine, and that they'd come to some sort of peace with what had happened to them - in short, they were fired from a program because someone felt threatened by their years of experience, and felt that my friend was going to usurp their job (not possible). I thought they'd moved on from the situation, but it came roaring back last weekend, and now they are writing a letter that I don't believe they should write or send.
And here come the rules: Cooling off, and not being a hero.
I don't believe there is anything to gain from sending this letter, but I do believe there is much my friend can lose.
I'm an emotional person. It would surprise many people I've worked with that I am. I've worked very hard over the years to control those emotions - hence the rules I've put in place - and there are times I can tell that the walls are crumbling, and the best thing to do is walk away. I mention this because I know what this friend went through, I completely empathize with how they feel, but I don't condone the course of action they are taking.
In graduate school, we talked about picking our fights. There are going to be fights that we feel that we want to have, but when we stop and consider the whole situation, it may not be a fight we want to get in. There may not be anything to gain. There may be much that we are going to lose.
I have expressed my opinion to my friend. Writing this letter, or ten letters will change nothing. It will not have the impact that they are hoping for. The program, and the individuals will not change their mind about what they did. I have found that insecure individuals tend to remain insecure, and they like to insulate themselves from change. My friend will not receive an apology for their firing. They will never get the individuals to admit that it was a personal, and short sighted decision that has cost them dearly this season - 3/4 of the program has quit or determined they will not return for the 2017-2018 season.
It is a fight that my friend will not win. They won't even reach a draw. It's a lose lose situation, and worse, it keeps the wounds fresh, and real.
We all have had our share of what we feel are injustices against us, some real, some imagined, some a mix of both. We can either allow those feelings to control us, and taint us going forward, or not allow us to move forward. Or, we can recognize that we aren't, "losing," by moving on and making peace with the outcome we have no control over. We are acknowledging that things happened, there is nothing we can do about it, but we are not going to allow it to have an impact on our life from that point on. It becomes an isolated event that cannot leak into the rest of our life.
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